Thinking about O while listening to Adele's more than famous "Someone like You". Sometimes I wish he was still part of my life to prove Carrie Bradshaw that you can remain friends with an ex after whatever happened between you two. I found myself thinking too much about him recently probably because after going through the old stuff during the moving, I found pics, emails, tickets, MSN conversations and notes that reminded me how in love I was back at the time. On the other hand, I guess that C's issues also helped to bring, what still nowadays is "the love of my life", back to scene.
It is weird to think how close we were then and how we have turned into totally strangers. Well O, if you are reading this, I wish you the very best and it will be nice to get to know how things are going for you. After all it should be you contacting me this time as I tried to call you few times on your birthday but either you were busy with the celebration or you didn't want to pick up the phone.
If you weren't here right now, my life would be much easier. I can't stop listening to Slipknot's Snuff thinking what did I do wrong this time. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, I'm totally addicted to you and even though I know that this fact equals hurt, I keep on coming back to you for more over and over. What do I need to wake up and realise that we are not meant for each other? How much pain can I stand before ending up totally heartbroken?.
And that's the very moment when tears come, when I realise that it is not you but me the one having an "internal issue". An issue that needs to be battled by no one else except myself.
Maybe he is right and I should stop complaining about my nonsense existence. Maybe I should start looking for answers and solutions rather than living in the past moaning about the decisions I took. Asking you to react is an easy task but things get difficult when you don't know where to begin the process.
To buy or not to buy? I came across this beautiful piece during my early shopping spree on Saturday morning. In the back of my head there is a little voice which says: "Don't do it. Web shopping has never worked for you and you always got disappointed". But the more practical me thinks about the 70% discount and how amazing will it look like with a simple white tee and my favourite jeans.
P.s: FUCK! I just realised that my size was sold out. Maybe I can buy a smaller one, should I? :)
How great is to wake up suddenly at 4.30 a.m on a Saturday morning? Thank God, as soon as I opened my eyes, I could read on my BlackBerry one of C's sweet texts that he sent me little bit after midnight. Bored as I was, and not being able to fall asleep again, I started web shopping -worst thing to do when you are not able to get back to sleep-. I hate PayPal right now for authorising my last transaction. Well, let me introduce you to my last purchase. A pure guilty pleasure...
February has been a pretty weird month so far. I have been refused twice by two different guys, M sent me the sweetest email ever from Denmark, R apparently wants to take me out on a "proper date" and C showed me that he is not that superficial and carefree because he actually cares about me a little bit. Everything came all of a sudden, out of nowhere, that's why I'm still in recovering process.
I really do not know where all this will lead me. Since yesterday night my head is full of thoughts that I can not put into words or actions. One thing is for sure, I will try to keep myself aside and just let things work on their own. I spent so much time worrying about these sort of things that, whatever it happens from now onwards, I just want to remain true to myself the whole time.
So many things to do before embarking on the cruise this time. Crazy forms that I need to fill in to get the visa from the Indian Embassy. I'm really looking forward for this more than deserved vacation. The only plan so far is hitting Amsterdam on the 8th of April to spend the whole day visiting The Van Gogh's Museum and doing last minute shopping. Everything so I can sleep like a baby in my 7 hours flight to Dubai. I want to feel fresh once I arrive there in order to live the experience to the maximum -I hate having jet lag as you can see :)-.
When did I become so rational? How the hell did I manage to put all my feelings aside and turned into this “mechanical” human being? I cant afford suffering anymore. Crying so such all these last years has provided me with a torn and dry heart.