WEEK 1.

Sadness, sadness is the world that describes how I feel at this very moment. Seeing him at work everyday and knowing that he is sleeping few metres under myself rips my heart apart. 

I know it is a matter of time. I know that Im strong enough to be able to see the light once again at the end of the tunnel sooner rather than later. 

Now everything has loose its sense and that is probably what scares me the most. TRUST, INTIMACY, LOVE... Will I be anytime ready for that again?.

Sadly, life never stops surprising us. Nobody has died so, why do I feel as a part of me has already gone for forever?.

SOS.

My heart is broken. My heart is broken in so many pieces that I know it will take a long long long time before they come up together again. 

Knowing that it has been my fault does not really help at all. Knowing that being able to keep that relation going on was all in my hand and let it be vanished, leaves me with a huge emptiness. 

Maybe he is right, maybe we become friends rather than a couple but, is this not what it is all about?.

The sense of failure together with emptiness invades me in a way that has not happened before. Now, millions of questions queue in my head; what to do next? should I stay or should I go? was he THE ONE and did I let him go?. 

He was like my personal brand of heroin so now it is time to start from the bottom and learn who I really am on my own. 

I know it will take time. I know that maybe, I won't be the same person never again... Am I ready for that?.

GOSSIP GIRL.

On Sunday I woke up with shocking news: J is officially engaged to the girl he dumped me for.

Four years later, I finally got the answer, he was just not that into me.

SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

Thinking about O while listening to Adele's more than famous "Someone like You". Sometimes I wish he was still part of my life to prove Carrie Bradshaw that you can remain friends with an ex after whatever happened between you two. I found myself thinking too much about him recently probably because after going through the old stuff during the moving, I found pics, emails, tickets, MSN conversations and notes that reminded me how in love I was back at the time. On the other hand, I guess that C's issues also helped to bring, what still nowadays is "the love of my life", back to scene.

It is weird to think how close we were then and how we have turned into totally strangers. Well O, if you are reading this, I wish you the very best and it will be nice to get to know how things are going for you. After all it should be you contacting me this time as I tried to call you few times on your birthday but either you were busy with the celebration or you didn't want to pick up the phone.

LEITMOTIF.

1. Jamas permitas que tu tiempo sea desperdiciado con alguien que nunca tendra tiempo para ti.

2. Jamas permitas que tus ojos derramen lagrimas por alguien que nunca te hara sonreir.

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME GO...

If you weren't here right now, my life would be much easier. I can't stop listening to Slipknot's Snuff thinking what did I do wrong this time. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, I'm totally addicted to you and even though I know that this fact equals hurt, I keep on coming back to you for more over and over. What do I need to wake up and realise that we are not meant for each other? How much pain can I stand before ending up totally heartbroken?.

And that's the very moment when tears come, when I realise that it is not you but me the one having an "internal issue". An issue that needs to be battled by no one else except myself.

To be continued...

REACTION.

Maybe he is right and I should stop complaining about my nonsense existence. Maybe I should start looking for answers and solutions rather than living in the past moaning about the decisions I took. Asking you to react is an easy task but things get difficult when you don't know where to begin the process.