WEEK 1.

Sadness, sadness is the world that describes how I feel at this very moment. Seeing him at work everyday and knowing that he is sleeping few metres under myself rips my heart apart. 

I know it is a matter of time. I know that Im strong enough to be able to see the light once again at the end of the tunnel sooner rather than later. 

Now everything has loose its sense and that is probably what scares me the most. TRUST, INTIMACY, LOVE... Will I be anytime ready for that again?.

Sadly, life never stops surprising us. Nobody has died so, why do I feel as a part of me has already gone for forever?.

SOS.

My heart is broken. My heart is broken in so many pieces that I know it will take a long long long time before they come up together again. 

Knowing that it has been my fault does not really help at all. Knowing that being able to keep that relation going on was all in my hand and let it be vanished, leaves me with a huge emptiness. 

Maybe he is right, maybe we become friends rather than a couple but, is this not what it is all about?.

The sense of failure together with emptiness invades me in a way that has not happened before. Now, millions of questions queue in my head; what to do next? should I stay or should I go? was he THE ONE and did I let him go?. 

He was like my personal brand of heroin so now it is time to start from the bottom and learn who I really am on my own. 

I know it will take time. I know that maybe, I won't be the same person never again... Am I ready for that?.

GOSSIP GIRL.

On Sunday I woke up with shocking news: J is officially engaged to the girl he dumped me for.

Four years later, I finally got the answer, he was just not that into me.

SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

Thinking about O while listening to Adele's more than famous "Someone like You". Sometimes I wish he was still part of my life to prove Carrie Bradshaw that you can remain friends with an ex after whatever happened between you two. I found myself thinking too much about him recently probably because after going through the old stuff during the moving, I found pics, emails, tickets, MSN conversations and notes that reminded me how in love I was back at the time. On the other hand, I guess that C's issues also helped to bring, what still nowadays is "the love of my life", back to scene.

It is weird to think how close we were then and how we have turned into totally strangers. Well O, if you are reading this, I wish you the very best and it will be nice to get to know how things are going for you. After all it should be you contacting me this time as I tried to call you few times on your birthday but either you were busy with the celebration or you didn't want to pick up the phone.

LEITMOTIF.

1. Jamas permitas que tu tiempo sea desperdiciado con alguien que nunca tendra tiempo para ti.

2. Jamas permitas que tus ojos derramen lagrimas por alguien que nunca te hara sonreir.

IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME GO...

If you weren't here right now, my life would be much easier. I can't stop listening to Slipknot's Snuff thinking what did I do wrong this time. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, I'm totally addicted to you and even though I know that this fact equals hurt, I keep on coming back to you for more over and over. What do I need to wake up and realise that we are not meant for each other? How much pain can I stand before ending up totally heartbroken?.

And that's the very moment when tears come, when I realise that it is not you but me the one having an "internal issue". An issue that needs to be battled by no one else except myself.

To be continued...

REACTION.

Maybe he is right and I should stop complaining about my nonsense existence. Maybe I should start looking for answers and solutions rather than living in the past moaning about the decisions I took. Asking you to react is an easy task but things get difficult when you don't know where to begin the process.

THE QUESTION REMAINS.

To buy or not to buy? I came across this beautiful piece during my early shopping spree on Saturday morning. In the back of my head there is a little voice which says: "Don't do it. Web shopping has never worked for you and you always got disappointed". But the more practical me thinks about the 70% discount and how amazing will it look like with a simple white tee and my favourite jeans.

P.s: FUCK! I just realised that my size was sold out. Maybe I can buy a smaller one, should I? :)

ABSOLUTE QUEEN.

How great is to wake up suddenly at 4.30 a.m on a Saturday morning? Thank God, as soon as I opened my eyes, I could read on my BlackBerry one of C's sweet texts that he sent me little bit after midnight. Bored as I was, and not being able to fall asleep again, I started web shopping -worst thing to do when you are not able to get back to sleep-. I hate PayPal right now for authorising my last transaction. Well, let me introduce you to my last purchase. A pure guilty pleasure...

Black Suede Studded glam rock Waist Belt.

THANK GOD MY KARMA IS BACK.

February has been a pretty weird month so far. I have been refused twice by two different guys, M sent me the sweetest email ever from Denmark, R apparently wants to take me out on a "proper date" and C showed me that he is not that superficial and carefree because he actually cares about me a little bit. Everything came all of a sudden, out of nowhere, that's why I'm still in recovering process.

I really do not know where all this will lead me. Since yesterday night my head is full of thoughts that I can not put into words or actions. One thing is for sure, I will try to keep myself aside and just let things work on their own. I spent so much time worrying about these sort of things that, whatever it happens from now onwards, I just want to remain true to myself the whole time.

BRILLIANCE OF THE SEAS.

Holidays for the first quarter: Booked.

Destiny: Dubai & India.

Duration of the adventure: 15 days.

So many things to do before embarking on the cruise this time. Crazy forms that I need to fill in to get the visa from the Indian Embassy. I'm really looking forward for this more than deserved vacation. The only plan so far is hitting Amsterdam on the 8th of April to spend the whole day visiting The Van Gogh's Museum and doing last minute shopping. Everything so I can sleep like a baby in my 7 hours flight to Dubai. I want to feel fresh once I arrive there in order to live the experience to the maximum -I hate having jet lag as you can see :)-.

HEART ISSUES.

When did I become so rational? How the hell did I manage to put all my feelings aside and turned into this “mechanical” human being? I cant afford suffering anymore. Crying so such all these last years has provided me with a torn and dry heart.

LETTING HIM GO.

HOWS IT GOING?.

I have been feeling dizzy for almost a month now . Taking so many antibiotics due to this annoying tonsillitis is not helping me in any way. Probably, that's the reason why, I decided to surrender myself to an Italian. I didn't ask him for that much back: honesty will be the "key word" this time, mainly because I refuse to be somebody´s second dish or option. In fact, I was never good as a guest star :)!.

It scares me to death to be in this position. I don't want to feel vulnerable again. And it is not that I have huge feelings towards his persona yet, but I found myself thinking about it too way too much lately. But for the first time, I decide to relax myself and simply go with the flow.

Nobody knew, when I first came, where this whole experience would take me and I'm definitely not going to surrender myself at this stage.

FROM DAY TO NIGHT BY KATE MOSS.

ETERNAL RETURN.

I hate not having any inspiration at the moment. It seems that nowadays my life is a white canvas with nothing written on it. I realised that something must be done ASAP. A change, a challenge, something new that keeps me on track. I'm tired of this routine I have been immerse for already 5 years. The same story over and over: Work, home, going out during the weekends and looking forward to the coming holidays. Every year is the same story but different destinations to travel to. Is there any way to break with this routine? Moving will help me in any way?. That's my worst fear.

So many questions and so little time. Years pass by extremely quickly and sadly, I must say, that something must be done now or never. Such a pain thinking about the future!. God Blesses the more than famous Carpe Diem.

BEST PROPOSAL EVER.

You and me,
Your laptop,
My place,
My bed, dressed!
We are not allowed to talk
We take turns to put on music
and we communicate by writing on a piece of paper.

...Shame the guy turned to be a completely asshole!.

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.
- Bob Marley

WEEKEND PERFECTION.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT.

Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around. You get what you give. Everything is true. Every single day I'm still punishing myself for what I did back in the time. How could I?.

Once you told me: "I adore you". Today when I read it, I cried out loud because I didn't deserve those words. The truth remains under my skin and I have to live with that. Some people call it punishment. For me, that is karma.