HOWS IT GOING?.

I have been feeling dizzy for almost a month now . Taking so many antibiotics due to this annoying tonsillitis is not helping me in any way. Probably, that's the reason why, I decided to surrender myself to an Italian. I didn't ask him for that much back: honesty will be the "key word" this time, mainly because I refuse to be somebody´s second dish or option. In fact, I was never good as a guest star :)!.

It scares me to death to be in this position. I don't want to feel vulnerable again. And it is not that I have huge feelings towards his persona yet, but I found myself thinking about it too way too much lately. But for the first time, I decide to relax myself and simply go with the flow.

Nobody knew, when I first came, where this whole experience would take me and I'm definitely not going to surrender myself at this stage.

FROM DAY TO NIGHT BY KATE MOSS.

ETERNAL RETURN.

I hate not having any inspiration at the moment. It seems that nowadays my life is a white canvas with nothing written on it. I realised that something must be done ASAP. A change, a challenge, something new that keeps me on track. I'm tired of this routine I have been immerse for already 5 years. The same story over and over: Work, home, going out during the weekends and looking forward to the coming holidays. Every year is the same story but different destinations to travel to. Is there any way to break with this routine? Moving will help me in any way?. That's my worst fear.

So many questions and so little time. Years pass by extremely quickly and sadly, I must say, that something must be done now or never. Such a pain thinking about the future!. God Blesses the more than famous Carpe Diem.

BEST PROPOSAL EVER.

You and me,
Your laptop,
My place,
My bed, dressed!
We are not allowed to talk
We take turns to put on music
and we communicate by writing on a piece of paper.

...Shame the guy turned to be a completely asshole!.

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.
- Bob Marley

WEEKEND PERFECTION.

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT.

Karma is a bitch. What goes around comes around. You get what you give. Everything is true. Every single day I'm still punishing myself for what I did back in the time. How could I?.

Once you told me: "I adore you". Today when I read it, I cried out loud because I didn't deserve those words. The truth remains under my skin and I have to live with that. Some people call it punishment. For me, that is karma.

AUTUMN WISH LIST.

Yves Saint Laurent Arty Oval ring in Lapis

*Yesterday, 26Th of August, I booked my flights for Edinburgh. Harvey Nichols will be a mandatory stop. Still in doubt about the colour of the stone though. Keep your fingers cross for me!.

CURRENT OBSESSIONS.

Radiohead´s "In Rainbows".


Haruki Murakami´s "South of the Border, West of the Sun".

SATClicius.

I am back at "home" for good after more than a month. Awkward feeling but nowadays, I have a different attitude towards it. After too much consideration, I realise that the relationship I have to invest time with, is the one I have with myself.

Blame Carrie Bradshaw from SATC for the idea!. Probably the following is my favourite and more realistic quotation I have heard in this series : “...But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

LA LUNE.

I bought this Eau de Toilette while I was delayed at Barcelona's airport yesterday night. After months looking for the perfect "day essence", I decide this one would be a good investment. Let's see how it works.

D&G 18 La Lune opens with fresh green accord, apple and bergamot. This blends into the envelopingly hypnotic lily, rose and tuberose heart that rests upon a textured base of sandalwood, musk, orris and white leather. 18 La Lune is subtle, mysterious and utterly alluring.

Personality: The Dreamer.

18 La Lune is a perfect enigma: fresh yet sensual, dazzling yet forever retaining her secrets. She enthrals everyone she encounters with her radiant and ethereal beauty.

I WILL MANAGE TO SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

Overall, the unpaid leave has been weird. It has been almost three weeks since I arrived and now it is time to go back to reality. Anyway and for the very first time in 6 years, I do not want to leave. At home everything is much easier but then again: I don't like easy things, do I?.

I feel a total mess nowadays. I have been thinking over and over what to do once I leave Cork and I got to the conclusion that the "Asian Adventure" scares me to death. Will I be courageous enough in the end to pack my things and leave for good?.

One thing is for sure, Cork is not good anymore and it doesn't have anything new to offer me. It was OK once I arrived and started living my first experiences abroad but 6 years are more than enough. I cant go on lying to myself, I'm not 22 anymore!. What was funny back in the time, the people I first met, the places where I used to hung around when I first came, they are not the same anymore. People change and so have I. I'm more mature and although sometimes I behave like the same spoilt child I used to be, I grew up not only physically but also mentally.

FYI.

Off to Bilbao in an unpaid leave. Everything seems awkward but I guess it is the correct thing to do. I need some time with my friends and family in order to rethink the future.

SHOPPING.

H&M.

H&M.

Gap.

Head Over Heels.

Warehouse.

THE NAKED TRUTH.

Today I started having flashbacks about what happened back 3 years ago. I still remember that fateful weekend when everything started. I remember being in Fionnbarra having a drink with you and how a couple of Polish workers started asking how could you be so static with such a beautiful girl by your side. On one hand I felt flattered but on the other, I realised that even the people who didnt knew us could see what was going on there. On Saturday morning when we woke up and after talking for few hours, we made love and you told me that it was over. I saw that coming for a while but I refused to admit to myself that you didn't like me as much as I did. The triangle you created was too much and by that time, it was out of control.

Exactly one week after that happened, I went to work and I started feeling that something was going wrong. I had been having an extremely weird feeling during the whole week and calling home and mum not answering me, didn't make things any better. I booked a flight straightaway and I found myself alone in one of the best hotels in Barcelona because I didn't make it on time for the second flight.

Next day I was already by his side but he couldn't hear me or talk to me cause he was already in a deep coma. I refused to see him anymore and spent the next days waiting for what was his end. After couple of days when the doctors told us it was a matter of hours, my only question was if he had suffered. They told me that he didn't and this fact still relieves me nowadays. Love you daddy. You will never be aware how much I miss and need you nowadays.

SWEET PAIN.

Last Monday I went to the Tattoo Studio to make the final refill of the tattoo. It is unbelievable how stronger I feel since then. As a good friend told me, it is a reminder of my Guardian Angel. Somebody for whom I should be strong and keep on going without looking back in time.

Lately, I also find myself worrying about the fact of getting older. I have never paid any special attention to my body but couple of months ago, I started noticing that the dresses were way too tight. Unconsciously, I blamed the washing machine but when I met my mum last March she told me the reality about the issue in a very subtle way: "Baby, your hips are slightly wider nowadays. You are developing a real woman's body!". I became so obsessed with it, that I bought my first spandex the other day. I must say that they are the unsexier thing I have ever seen. But who cares? My body looks fucking great on them and my self-esteem is back on track once Im wearing those.

DAYDREAM BELIEVER.

"Well, by the time you see this, I won't be here anymore, and I know how much that sucks, for both of us. So seeing as how I won't be around to thoroughly annoy you, I thought I would give you a little list of the things that I wish for you.

Well, there's the obvious. An education. Family. Friends. And a life that is full of the unexpected. Be sure to make mistakes. Make a lot of them, because there's no better way to learn and to grow, all right? And, um, I want you to spend a lot of time at the ocean, because the ocean forces you to dream, and I insist that you, my girl, be a dreamer.

God. I've never really believed in god. In fact, I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to disprove that god exists. But I hope that you are able to believe in god, because the thing that I've come to realize, sweetheart... is that it just doesn't matter if god exists or not. The important thing is for you to believe in something, because I promise you that that belief will keep you warm at night, and I want you to feel safe always.

And then there's love. I want you to love to the tips of your fingers, and when you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it. But you don't have to chase after it either. You just be patient, and it'll come to you, I promise, and when you least expect it, like you, like spending the best year of my life with the sweetest and the smartest and the most beautiful baby girl in the world. You don't be afraid, sweetheart. And remember, to love is to live."

Dawson's Creek.

OUTFIT FOR THE 22ND TO THE 29TH OF JULY.

Ibiza is waiting and this will be my outfit for the whole week.

TO WED OR NOT TO WED.

I'm literally going crazy looking for the perfect Wedding Dress. Don't freak out, I'm not getting married yet but my good friend Itziar is apparently ready to tie the knot on the 31st July this year in Bilbao. God, it seems that it was yesterday when we were couple of kids spending their summer holidays in Laredo and now she is engaged. It seems surreal but at the same time I'm extremely happy for her.

When she first told me I totally freaked out but, after meeting her for dinner back in December when I was at home, I kind of understand that it was the correct thing to do. She has always been the clear example of "follow the steps" girl: First it came dating the same guy for about 10 years, 3 years ago they bought the dog in common, a year later they invested in their love nest, now the wedding and they are already thinking about kids in the near future.

That is probably one of the reasons why I run away from that society so long time ago. I have always had serious issues accepting rules. I enjoy going with the flow and taking everything as it comes. But now the question remains: Which is the correct position regarding this issue? To wed or not to wed?.

A TIP FOR TODAY FROM ALISON WILLCOCKS.

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect."

HK.

While I was in Asia back in March this year, I wrote my thoughts and impression in a sort of "diary". The big majority was nonsense writing but I want to let him know what I really felt when I was in Hong Kong. This is an extract from that day:

"In Hong Kong I could feel you in every corner. It was a weird feeling to know that I ended up in the same place you lived few years ago. During the night, I suddenly felt like crying. It was a feeling I never experienced before: Tears of Happiness. In that very moment I realised that even though the years passed by, you are still very deep in me. I know I should let it go and call it history but no matter how hard I try, memories seem to come with me everywhere I go."

Hong Kong Bay on the 27th of March 2010.

IT'S BEGINNING TO GET TO ME.

Sometimes I have the impression that I'm going to explode into million pieces. That's when I take a look at my right wrist and repeat to myself that I have to be strong and keep on going.

And while I'm still looking for something purer than the water, for the first time there are no tears in sight.

GIRL CRUSH.

I fell in love with Maryna Lynchuk few minutes after seeing these pictures in the 2010 H&M Winter Catalogue. Can somebody be any sexier?

Isn't she stunning?

MAY BANK HOLIDAY.

It seems that it has become a ritual calling sick for the May Bank Holiday. I'm watching him sleeping quietly in my bed while I'm writing these lines. I'm scared. He knows and understands all the shit Ive gone through, cause he suffered the same diseases when he was just a kid. That caught me as a surprise. You never know when you are going to meet the next peson that turns your inner world upside down.

It seems that the same story happens to me over and over: once I decide to leave everything behind and move on, I find a person who seems to like me as much as I do. Hate that feeling but as I usually say to myself, The Show Must Go On.

FINAL COUNTDOWN.

This is the moment to take decisions. Decisions which will affect not only my present but also my future. The hardest part has already been done and my family agreed with that. They let me go although I think they are still doubtful about it. There has been so many times Ive been saying the same without doing anything, that I think that nowadays they take for granted that I will be remaining in "The Bubble" forever.

The Asia trip opened my eyes in such a way that everything is different since the day I came back. For the first time, I know where my future is and I know what I want to do. I have to admit that the change scares me to death but new challenges are needed in my life asap.

There is still thousands of questions popping into my head every now and then about the concrete place and dates. What is a fact nowadays, it is that I will be starting the TEFL course on May. As soon as I am done with that, I will start looking for an overseas place to crash for a while. Any suggestion?.

SIMPLY DAVE.

The fact is, I've obviously always felt more strongly than you
and I just had to get that through my thick skull
and move on.

SIX OF ONE AND HALF A DOZEN OF THE OTHER.

As everything in my life, few minutes after having finished writing my previous post, I had terrible news: Big and very bad changes regarding my job. For the first time and in a very long one, I didn't get angry and I took it a sign. A sign that suggests me it is time to leave. That's why, after considering the pros and cons, I decided this is the year I will leave "the bubble" for good. The deadline will be September and I already started today sending my CV to few overseas countries. Stay tuned for last updates.

OUT AND ABOUT.

After 3 years in dry dock, I feel ready to go back into the market. No more revivals, no more tears for past lovers and no more second thoughts. Everything will be new and challenging from now onwards.

Hopefully, I have learnt something out from my previous experiences and they will help me not to be so open about my feelings and so naive. In these last couple of weeks, I found my inner "ray of light" that made me believe once again. Thanks Anna!.

ME LIKEY.

One good reason to wait for next autumn: Christopher Bailey´s newest collection for Burberry Prorsum. Im in love with the high knee boots and military coats combo. I wish I could be living in a place where wearing those clothes was worth it!.

TODAY'S LESSON.

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

THOUGHTS.

2010 is not being so far the kind of year I was waiting for. I kind of expect that the new decade was going to be different but it isn't at all. I have always had the belief that once a year passes by and we have made some mistakes, we learn about those and they make us not only wiser but also stronger. That statement makes me wonder, what did I learn during the past decade?. First of all, at that time I became an epileptic. The disease that describes me as a person, that turned my world upside down and that sadly will be living with me forever. I always refer to it as my worst nightmare and believe me when I say that this is something I don't wish to anyone even to my worst enemy. Nowadays, it is normal for me to take it easy during the night or to go out and stay sober but I can remember there was a time during my teen years, when I was asking myself what did I do wrong to deserve such a cruel punishment.

Secondly, my dad passed away all of a sudden. I don't want to speak so much about it as I dedicated a full post to this theme not long time ago. Thirdly, it must be my depression. I always knew that I was a person very prone to depression. I'm the kind of person who prefers to not talk about her personal stuff while suffering about it in silence. All these "internal issues" together with a feeling I never experienced before -called love- brought me a huge depression. Fourthly, I have been rejected over and over again. I have been rejected in such bad ways that nowadays I cant barely believe in no one's words.

I was never a very optimistic person but I thought there was still a hope for me in 2010. If I'm realistic, the only motivation that keeps me going on nowadays are all the journeys I have planned. Hopefully, this year I will be strong enough and I will find the reason to leave this bubble for good.

OH MY ROB!.

Still can't understand why, but it is impossible to remain impassive before him. Love him or hate him. I have chosen the first one.

THE GOOD TIMES MAY COME BACK.

No matter how long it takes you, I will wait for you.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION.

I made a promise to myself: Since this very moment, I'm going to start taking care of myself without caring what other people will think. For once, I'm going to put myself and my own interests before anyone's. It is time to be selfish. I don't want to make the mistake of forgetting myself because of other person and end up totally hurt and with a huge depression.

I'm going to surround myself with AUTHENTIC people. People with principles and people who want to know your opinion and don't censure yourself just because you don't share the same thoughts or ideals.

Although a little bit late, this is my new year resolution. I don't want to waste a single minute out of my precious life waiting for people who will never come back to me.

R.I.P.

Alexander McQueen also known as l'enfant terrible of fashion.

THANK YOU ALL FOR A GREAT WEEKEND.

Helena, Anna, Angel and Bard by the Oslo Royal Palace.

REJECTION.

If you give me a dictionary and tell me to pick the word I hate the most, that will be probably rejection. Three syllables full of meaning which can totally destroy people's lives and feelings. Through the years, we have seen thousands of poets and singers relieving their sorrows, frustrations, turmoils and anger through their art. Guess I found mine posting here my inner thoughts.

I asked for some help to my good friend, and better lyricist, Mattias K in order to define the pure meaning of Love Rejection. As usual, he didn't disappoint me. According to him, it is the fear of feeling naked in the sense of another person knowing us from the inside to the outside.

According to my so called "special vision about love", I have been constantly rejecting love during these last three years. Of course I haven't spent those under a vow of chastity, but my behaviour indicated that for me they were mere one night stands. I may be hurt next day but it was much because of my actions and the embarrassment I felt towards not only my acts but also myself.

I'm not a believer but please God, I really want to believe in LOVE again.

OROIGARRIAK.

Hau bai dala kantu ederra.

WELCOME TO MAMA.

Let me introduce you all to my new purchase. It is the final result of hours surfing the internet due to this annoying sinusitis. Once again, blame Marc Jacobs :-)

Marc by Marc Jacobs "You Set Me On Fire" Tee.

HAPPY B-DAY?.

It took me twenty-eight years to reach perfection
They fill us with fear
Computerised rejections
Your voice disappears
On a bad connection
It gets lonely out here
I need protection, please
Are you protecting me

Joakim Berg.

DON'T LOOK BACK...

Now is time to move on.

I WISH I COULD.

Since a very early age, I developed a huge interest towards Fashion and specially towards Fashion Photography. I still remember being barely 10 and spending the whole Sunday afternoon cutting pieces from my favourite magazines. Almost eighteen years passed by, and I still have the same habit. I keep them altogether in a folder and I go through every piece at least once a month. Nowadays, I still own a huge drawer back in my mum's place full of those. Every year when I go there for a visit, I take a couple of hours out of my "busy schedule" in order to open it and take a quick look at my treasures. They inspire me and they remind me the person I am.

Richard Avedon's famous portraits, the always pornographic Helmut Newton, Herb Ritts AKA the sculptor, Peter Lindbergh's absence of colours, the intimate Bruce Weber, the sexy Mario Testino, the eccentric Ellen Von Unwerth, the sexual Terry Richardson, the colorful David Lachapelle, Patrick Demarchelier or the celebrities' lover and the always classic Annie Leibovitz. Everyone has a special place in my heart.

Photography together with music are my favourites when it comes to art.

OH KATE.

Kate Moss by Craig McDean. Vogue UK June 2002.

LACK OF INSPIRATION.

Despite having confirmed the flights for Oslo on February and for Singapore on March, I don't feel in the mood for writing. There are only nonsense thoughts wondering through my head at the moment. No point to post those here. Come back soon.

LIKE A WALT DISNEY VIRGIN.

It has been funny to see some of my closest friends becoming members of a Facebook club called "I blame Disney for my high expectations with men". Since we are kids, we are taught that someday around your thirties, an special person will knock your door and you will fall into each other through the art of magic. But what happens if that person never shows up?. Should you stay at home and regret about it or should you start desperately looking for THE ONE by yourself?.

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

Despite not having started 2010 as I hoped, it seems that things are taking a different direction 14 days later. Yesterday I experienced, for the first time and in a really long while, the kind of feeling you go through when one of your biggest dream becomes true. All of a sudden, I found myself booking what will be "The Biggest and Greatest Holidays Ive Ever Had". The adventure will be starting on March 20th in Singapore's docks.

ALL SAINTS.

After seeing Vanessa Traina wearing this Balenciaga dress and leather jacket combo, Im seriously considering heading to Brown Thomas after work to buy an All Saints look alike!.

If perfection does exit, Vanessa is a fucking good example.

MY NAME IS NATALIA AND I'M ADDICTED TO PROZAC.

Still wondering if it is the right time to quit "the magic pills" after taking them everyday for the last 3 years. There are so many things in my head at the moment: Mom's getting some surgery done in the 21st, my sister is not feeling well lately and my flatmate doesn't feel in her best since "the accident" occurred on New Year's eve. Hopefully, everything will get better. I refuse to think that this decade will be as bad as the previous one.